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 Jokes Section (^_^) :)

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Posts : 32
Join date : 2010-07-21
Location : In the tree ... eating fish !

PostSubject: Jokes Section (^_^) :)   Thu Jul 22, 2010 3:25 am

One day, three men named Jimmy, Joe, and Mike died and went to heaven. God walked over with a giant book named Sins of Man.
God: How many times you cheated on your wife, son ?
Jimmy: 20
God: Good, I appreciate an honest man. You shall drive a rusty pinto when you walk through these gates. Here are your keys.

God hands the man the keys to his ride and he disappears into the fog. God then turned to Joe and asked the same question.

God: How many times you coveted your wife?
Joe: 30

God looks at his books to verify.
God bellowed loudly, "How dare you tell lies in heaven, you shall burn for eternity !"

God pushes a button on his podium. The floor beneath Joe opened and the man is instantly grabbed by a burning hand, and the door shuts immediately afterward.

God: I sure hope you don't do what he just did, you stupid fools think you can cheat me when I got a book here that details everything you did in your life.
Mike: Sir, I never cheated once.
God checks his books to verify ... ... ... ... Wow, you really is telling the truth. Well here, have fun with your Lamborghini, I need a beer. Peace

One day in heaven, Jimmy meets a man in the crossroad driving a Lamborghini and is crying. Jimmy walks over and asked. "Hey you are driving the best car in heaven, what are you crying for ?"
Mike replies, "I just saw my wife gone by on a skateboard."
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Posts : 3
Join date : 2010-07-14
Location : on my butt at the computer

PostSubject: funny   Thu Jul 22, 2010 3:49 am

hahahahahahaha rofl. lol! lol! lol! lol! lol!
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Posts : 205
Join date : 2010-03-12
Age : 31
Location : USA

PostSubject: Re: Jokes Section (^_^) :)   Thu Jul 22, 2010 4:24 am

lol! affraid Laughing

cheers cheers cheers cheers cheers cheers cheers cheers cheers cheers cheers

Another Good one!!! king
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Posts : 32
Join date : 2010-07-21
Location : In the tree ... eating fish !

PostSubject: Viagra   Thu Jul 22, 2010 5:08 am

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
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Posts : 32
Join date : 2010-07-21
Location : In the tree ... eating fish !

PostSubject: Vista Errors   Thu Jul 22, 2010 5:15 am

Vista_Error: 001 Vista loaded - Warning your computer is now in danger

Vista_Error: 002 No Error - Check again in 10 seconds

Vista_Error: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file

Vista_Error: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong (just testing)

Vista_Error: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused

Vista_Error: 006 Kelvin error: Type Mismatch - phone Kevlar

Vista_Error: 007 System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware

Vista_Error: 008 Broken window. Path not found - phone Glazier

Vista_Error: 009 Horrible bug encountered - Press F13 for more help

Vista_Error: 00A Invalid property assignment. Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full

Vista_Error: 00B Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50GB

Vista_Error: 00C Memory hog error - More RAM needed. More! More! More!

Vista_Error: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside

Vista_Error: 00E Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened

Vista_Error: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers

Vista_Error: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ?

Vista_Error: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.

Vista_Error: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old windows license is not valid anymore.

Vista_Error: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!

Vista_Error: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.

Vista_Error: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.

Vista_Error: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.

Vista_Error: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.

Vista_Error: 012 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will be closed automatically and the virus will be reactivated.

Vista_Error: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.

Vista_Error: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.

Vista_Error: 020 Error recording error codes - Remaining errors will be lost.

Vista_Error: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.

Vista_Error: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Next error will not be displayed or recorded.

Vista_Error: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

Vista_Error: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.

Vista_Error: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 5,000 Gigawatts available
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Posts : 32
Join date : 2010-07-21
Location : In the tree ... eating fish !

PostSubject: What to do on an elevator   Thu Jul 22, 2010 5:19 am

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger.
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Posts : 37
Join date : 2010-03-19
Age : 28
Location : Nebraska

PostSubject: Re: Jokes Section (^_^) :)   Tue Jan 25, 2011 12:23 am

Hahaha! This is good shit! I love it!

cheers Laughing Laughing Laughing

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~Admiral Sloth
The Republic
{†InC∀St†}™️ For Life!
The Brotherhood
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Posts : 87
Join date : 2010-03-12
Location : tachidoshu land

PostSubject: Re: Jokes Section (^_^) :)   Thu Oct 13, 2011 1:37 pm

one day while a man is at work he keeps thinking to himself that his wife is cheating on him. he rushes to his bosses office and alerts him he must leave early. the boss replys "whats going on that you have to leave?" the man responds " i know my wife is cheating on me and i want to catch her in the act". the boss giving him the look that he knows what the man is going through jumps out of his seat and rushes the man out saying " go! my wife did the same thing and i want you to kill that fucker!" the man rushes home to his appartment building. as he makes his way inside he takes the stairs to the 32 floor. bust the door open and starts yelling "WHERE IS HE? I KNOW HE'S HERE WHERE THE ** IS HE?!" his wife being in a panic and crying frantically tryes to tell her husband no one was there. to the mans suprize he finds a guy hanging off the balcony, he rushes gets his hammer and smashes the guys hands with it. the man hanging from the balcony fell all the way down and landed in a bush. the husband relizing this pushes his refrigerator off the balcony and dies of a major heart attack.

at the pearly gates with saint peter 2 men and the husband stand infront of heaven. st. peter motioned to the guys and said to them "ok fellas here is the deal, heaven is almost full so we can only take the most severe cases" motioning to the husband he asked "how did you die sir?" the husband responded "my wife was cheating on me and i got so angry i had a massive heart attack and died." St. Peter grinding his teeth to the story of this man said "ouch those are the worse kinds, go ahead in my child" looking to one of the other guys he said "so how did you die sir?" the man replyed "well i was washing some windows on the 33rd story of this appartment buidling when all the sudden my scafolding broke, luckily i caught on to a rail all of the sudden some asshole comes out and smashes my fingers with a hammer. i fell 32 storys and luckily landed in a bush....when i came too i look up and BOOM!!! a refrigerator falls on top of me. saint peter felt so sorry for the guy and said " OMFG I AM SOOOOO SORRY HERE TAKE MY ROBE AND GO IN!"

now noticing only 1 man remained St. Peter did not want to talk to him. to st peter he seemed fishy....well looking around and not seeing anyone St. Peter said "well son how did you die?" the man looks around and wispers in St Peters ear and says "i was in the refridgerator"

well hope you enjoyed my story ill have another one within the next day or so =D
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